The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
