i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I think I sprained my soul last night
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Randomize
