Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
