he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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