I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
