I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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