I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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