i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
