I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think I won the penis lottery.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
