i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
