i just had sex bonerless
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
