Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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