dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
