I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
