haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize