you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
