If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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