It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
