I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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