Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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