All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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