Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
