it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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