So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
