i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize