i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
