I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
