apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
