I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
