...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize