So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
