i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
