you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
