I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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