There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
