I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
