I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
