my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
