I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
