So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
