I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
