I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
