Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
