8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
