Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
