i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
this hospital has no fireball
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
