He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
