Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He better not be in your backpack
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
