If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
smell my finger.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
