My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
