Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
