I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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