Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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