She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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