Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
