If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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