It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Ketchup is God's man juice
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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