The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is it because I queefed?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I deserve this hangover.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize